Line of the Day: That's what she said.

I was recently moved to a new position at my firm.  It was a lateral move, and I was kind of equally thrilled and bummed out at the change.  I was happy to get out of a situation that was not working at ALL, but sad to leave my friends on the 13th floor for my new spot on 11 (known to those on 13 as "the dungeon").

Turns out, I really like the 11th floor.  It is not nearly the dark and loathsome place I imagined it to be.  There are lots more people down there, most of whom are younger attorneys - overworked and underpaid, just about my own age, sleep-deprived from night after long night at the office spent busting their asses in the hopes of eventually making partner.  My inclination would be to assume they're miserable, but they are surprisingly fun, funny, and playful folks.  Perhaps because the office has begun to feel like home, they find opportunities in between drafting giant briefs, rushing to meet deadlines and putting out daily fires to take their shoes off, toss a ball around, pull pranks on each other, crack jokes and eat copious amounts of fun-size candy.  I have a hard time fathoming this reality, and thank my lucky stars every day that I decided against going to law school.

But anyway, here I am, on the funky 11th floor where the general sense of irreverance is a welcome change from the norm in this oft-bristly, buttoned-up town.  The line of the day comes from my cube-neighbor, a 50-something-ish woman who routinely delivers sexually ambiguous one-liners, talks louder than anyone I've ever met, and once, when my boss, Tim, asked her if his occasional foul-language offended her, replied, "Oh sweetie, I used to be the madam at a titty bar - nothing offends me!"

This afternoon, Tim comes out of his office to get something off of this woman's printer.  Whatever he printed wasn't there waiting for him though, and he started fooling with the buttons and asking what was up.  A short conversation ensued between the two of them as they tried to figure out the source of the problem.  Now, I wasn't completely tuned-in to the dialogue, but something was said about the paper trays, and apparently, the bottom tray was out of paper.  Tim was attempting to load more paper in there, but screwing it up somehow.  At which point, Karen delivers today's line of the day:

Well honey, when my bottom's empty, you just need to shove it in harder.

Line of the Day: Fatalism

A friend was discussing her one major dream for her life with me this evening.  You know, that perfect vision that you have where you're living exactly the kind of life you want to be living.  Making money doing something you love.  The whole deal.  And then she followed up a recitation of all her fears about making this dream a reality with what is today's line of the day:

So I've decided there's no way I can do it.  I'm not going to be able to.  However, I've also decided that it is the only thing that will ever really make me happy.

Well, I said, there's not a whole lot I can say to that.  Sounds like you're pretty much fucked. 

Line of the Day! (Mirage?)

Nora: Those pants make you look like you have camel toe.

Me: I know.

Nora: HA! Michelle! But it's just the illusion of camel toe, not real camel toe!

Me: Sometimes it's real.

Line of the Day! (Compost & Cowboys)

The Universe shines down on yours truly these days, I tell you what. Today at Whole Foods, for every $25 you spend, you get a free, 20 lb. bag of compost. It's not advertised anywhere though, so I had no idea. As I left, the WF girl and dude-in-a-cowboy-hat working the bbq outside struck up a conversation with me. They first made sure that I actually do garden, and then they let me in on this special deal.

Having wanted some compost for my garden, but not wanting to spend any more money, I was unduly excited by this news, and even danced a little dorky jig (as I am wont to do). At which point WF girl quips:

Free compost, AND a big, fake cowboy to carry it for you: that's a special day.

Line of the Day!! (Backdoor friends are best!)

At a friend's bbq this evening. Sunset, alpenglow on the Wasatch, homemade wine and priceless conversation on the rooftop deck. (Really, I need to start carrying that tape recorder around, as this evening merits a full post. Too late now, too much homemade wine. Alas.)

Man, to woman: You gotta use some lube, you know, or you'll just rough him up in there.

Woman, to man: Oh I know. I have ample ass experience.

Line of the Day!!!

You know, I told you my mom had a giant bush the entire time I was growing up, and it was pretty soft. Well, from the looks of it - it's not like I sat around petting it or anything.

Line of the Day

Alright, so I've been privy to some outstanding one-liners lately, and have developed a little something I like to call "line of the day." It's nothing fancy really, just the act of me going, "OH MY GOD, that's the line of the day!" when I hear something really hilarious. So, I've decided this will be my newest recurring blog installment. The "Adventures of Angie" (see: Vaginas! Vaginas! Vaginas!) are awesome, but those have been few and far between as of late. The once promising and now long forgotten "My neighbor is a Douchebag" series really could continue, even in my new home, as I once again am neighbors with a truly crazy woman who naturally fills the douchebag role. I also joined match.com, with concurrent hopes of either (1) meeting someone really cool or (2) at least getting some great first date stories to pen into a quirky little series (working title "Adventures in Dating," all of which would have a unique subtitle summing up the experience). Turns out, to my great surprise, that I actually did meet someone amazing, and now have no plans to go out on a series of first dates as life-fodder for the salty blog. There is, however, a whole ton of material to blather on about with regards to said very cool individual, but I am too exhausted at this late hour to delve into all of that.

So, for now, with limited brain power and time, I begin in earnest on the "Line of the Day" series. Also, loyal readers, let's make this a communal thing shall we? Multiple lives are better than one at culling tidbits from various experiences, yes? So please, if you witness a "line of the day" in action, PLEASE write me and I'll put it on the blog!

To get the ball rolling, we'll start with two lines, from two very separate days.

The first, from my friend Miranda at Westminster, who about two weeks ago was telling me about her experiences having run away from home at 15 years old:

So, I ran off and joined the goth kids, and we hopped a train to New Orleans for the summer. And so I lost my virginity to this guy...his name was Vampire Dave.

And the second, from today, in the restroom at work. First woman is in a bathroom stall, doing her business, when a second woman enters the restroom and uses another stall. First woman finishes up, goes to the sink to wash her hands. A moment later, second woman exits her stall and joins first woman at the sink.

First woman:

Oh, well if I had known it was you, I would've kept pooping.