Elder Bennett Sees My Vag!!

I swear, I'm not obsessed, but yes, this is another post about vaginas. And this time, it's mine.

So yesterday was free lunch Friday ("FLF"). The firm has some caterer guy who makes lunch for the attorneys each Friday, and when they're through, there's enough for all the rest of us. Each week there is bitching about the food, but we all still eat it because it's free. And it's not that bad. And it's free. Either way, by Friday lunchtime the staff is almost jovial in anticipation of the weekend and another free, albeit sub-par, lunch.

Funny, now that I think about it, the whole lunch kind of started out with vaginas, in a way. Emily and I were waiting with the others in the lunchroom for the food to be brought in (we don't get to mingle in the swanky conference room where the official attorney lunch is held), and someone announces it's fajitas. There's some relief then, because we've all had the fajitas before and compared to a lot of FLF, they score a solid "pretty decent." To which I reply, "Oooh, faJITEahs!" (Pronounced, of course, to sound as close to "vaginas" as possible.) And then tell them all how much Elise hates it when I say this, and how I thus say it as often as possible. Cruel, I know, but I enjoy embarrassing my kid. In fact, when we are anywhere near a place that serves fajitas, or we're buying tortillas at the store, or anytime the situation arises where we could possibly talk about fajitas, I like to say faJITEahs a little too loudly. No opportunity to do this goes unanswered.

Yes, I purposely embarrass my daughter. Push her limits. Stretch the boundaries of her comfort zone. I like to think I'm teaching her a real-life lesson about how you really can't concern yourself with what other people think. The ego is a dangerous mistress, looking to subdue and control and manipulate, even when you think you've put her in her place....

But back to lunch. So anyway, now blurting out "faJITEahs" is something of a habit. I tell them all this, and we're laughing and by then a few people are trying it on. You hear a stray "faJITEahs" around the room. Uttered from the mouths of good Utah folk. Mostly women. Good times.

The food arrives, Emily and Darcie and I construct our fajitas and take them upstairs to our favorite empty office for lunching. I'm determined to go outside though, as it is warm and sunny and if I can get just a few moments of fresh air each day it helps to assuage the trapped-in-a-box feeling that always lurks, just on the other side of some thin film in my mind, waiting to burst through and finally allow me to run and scream and bang my head into things and tell a few people to fuck right off. Thus, I had a plan. Emily and Darcie weren't into it, they said it "looked cold," which I've determined is patently impossible through the thick glass of our windows that never open. It "looked" sunny and lovely and like exactly where I needed to be.

"Alright then, I'm eating and then going for a walk for 15 or 20 minutes, with or without you."

"It's cold out," they say.

"It is not cold out," I say.

"It looks cold."

Turns out, they were wrong. It was absolutely beautiful. Too bad for the gals, they missed out not only on a few precious moments of a phenomenal day, but on the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see the look on Elder Bennett's face when, as I walked through the temporary/construction sidewalk, directly towards him, the wind caught my dress and blew the knee-length hem up and flat against my chest. And I don't wear panties. That's right kids, full-on crotch shot for the Elder. I'm surprised he didn't cover his CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS nametag with his hand, to shield the Church from such a shock. As it was, he didn't have time to process. Really, the whole thing couldn't have been more perfect, everything lining up just so in the universe to a tidbit of reality that I couldn't have created on my own if I tried. One moment, we're sharing a casual stranger-on-the-street-pursed-lip smile of "hello," the next my skirt is in the air and he's staring at my vagina. OH how he gasped, and tried to hide the gasp so as not to draw any more attention to this game of man-vs-vagina street chicken! How his eyes BUGGED out of his face! Neither of us stopped though, and just as quickly as it happened, it was over. He was gone - behind me. Probably pleading with the Lord for something or other.

I, however, thanked the stars for my good fortune at being able to enjoy such a hilarious moment in the middle of a fantastic day. And then I laughed my ass off all the way back to my building.

See, this is a good thing. Just as Elise needs me to stretch her boundaries and teach her these fundamental life lessons, Utah also needs me. I like to think that I - with a little help from the wind and the "celestial kingdom" from whence it blows - am doing my part to further the cultural growth in this town. In less than an hour, I had a roomful of mostly current or former Mormons all a'twitter, saying "faJITEahs" and enjoying it, AND I managed to show a 60-something year-old Mormon man what a vagina looks like in the sunshine.

From the look on his face, it may have been a first for Elder Bennett.

Vaginas! Vaginas! Vaginas!

So I went and saw The Vagina Monologues at Westminster last weekend with my dear friend Bonnie (whose nuptials are taking me to Kailua, Hawaii in a mere 4 days!!!), and was fully awed, inspired, impressed and moved. Really, wow. I didn't expect to like it so much, to laugh so hard, or - especially - to cry so pitifully. I'm not really a cryer. Or someone who feels the sad stories of friends very emotionally. I hear them, I empathize, but more with my mind. As in, I understand that must have brought you considerable pain and sadness, and I'm sorry. But the part of me that really feels, deeply feels, has been in a sort of hibernation since, well, my childhood. (But that's another story.) Lately though, I've been going through a bit of an emotional awakening, which is nice. And, um, emotional. But so, it was a really fantastic experience. And Bonnie bought me a chocolate vagina pop, which is still swimming around in my purse and gets pulled out at awkward moments in the elevator at work when I search and fumble for my key card. (That's another story too. A much, much funnier story. Let's just say that errant vaginas - even chocolate ones - in the land of Mormon have a tendency to create socially awkward moments.)

But I know you're here for the real vaginas. So let's just get on with it, shall we?

So, here's my story about vaginas. Or, well, one vagina. And it's not mine. It is a friend's story, as relayed to me this past Tuesday evening. For the sake of anonymity, let's call her Angie (which is the name most resembling the word 'vagina' I can come up with at present. I am, however, open to suggestions and editing this post at a later date if you can best me. Yes, that's a challenge.)

"Oh my GOD. So, I go to work today and everything's fine for the most part. I mean, I'm busy as hell, but, you know, that's how it is, right?"

As in: that's how it is after you've taken a few days off and come back to a teeming email inbox and raging fires to put out. We all know how this goes. Veritable shitstorm. Angie had taken last Thursday, Friday and Monday off work. By Tuesday, she was in for it.

"So, you know, at some point in the afternoon I go up to the reception desk and am talking to Mary and I SWEAR I can smell something."

I raise an eyebrow. Unlike you, I knew where this was going. Angie had taken Thursday through Monday off work in order to travel 3000 miles across the country to visit her new, long-distance boyfriend. (Who just also happens to be the first boy she ever kissed, 20 years ago.) They reunited via - take a wild guess - facebook. Of course, right?? Anyway, so they reunited, and had a blissful two-week telephonic reunion wherein they mutually decide they are completely in love. So, this is their first real in-the-flesh encounter for over 20 years.

Exciting stuff really.

And you can imagine the weekend that transpired.
Which is why I raised an eyebrow.

"You can SMELL something?" I ask. Just to clarify.

"YES! I can SMELL something! And it smelled like sex! Not like vagina, not like that metallic menstruating vagina smell, but just this musty, briny smell of sex!"

Love it. "Briny" pretty much nails it, yes?

"You know that smell?"

Yes, I know the smell. I assume that was rhetorical, and wait for her to continue.

"So I immediately cut off my conversation with Mary, fairly awkwardly really, and run down the hall to the breakroom to make some tea. I figured if I made some really strong tea it would overpower the vaginal odor emanating from under my skirt. And that way if anyone got close enough, they would just smell the tea and not me."

Does this logic seem flawed to anyone else? I mean, really strong coffee, maybe. And even that's only a maybe. But even the strongest tea I've ever encountered I wasn't able to smell until I stuck my beak down to the rim of the cup.

Anyway.

"So, I'm standing there making my tea, and I see a big thing of that hand-sanitizer stuff on the counter. And suddenly it just occurs to me, this great idea! There have been times after I've smoked a cigarette that I wasn't able to wash my hands, and then rubbed them with hand-sanitizer and it completely eliminated the smell of smoke! I mean, something that can completely rid the smoke smell from your fingers after a cigarette is pretty amazing, right?"

Right.

"So, I pump a bunch of globs of that in my hand and make a run for the bathroom. And I get in the stall, and start rubbing it ALL over down there, to odor-eliminate and just freshen things up. And at first, I think this is a fantastic idea. I mean, I bathed before I went to work and if that wasn't enough to rid the love-stench of my weekend, then this was surely the next best solution. I mean, that shit is like 90% alcohol, I figure it will kill whatever bacteria and leftover whatever that's down there."

Now, some of you ladies may have some experience that will inform where this story is headed. Some of you may not. I, for one, have never ended up with a vagina full of hand-sanitizer. There was one night though when I used some homeopathic icy-hot kind of stuff on my inflamed back muscles, and then, HOURS later, having completely forgotten about the earlier application of said ointment, ended up with - you guessed it - an icy-hot vagina.

For the record, not recommended.

"So, I get all slathered up and am just standing there in the stall waiting for it to dry so I can pull my stockings back up, and then OHMYGOD. OH. MY. GOD! It started buuuurning! Everything was absolutely on fire - just inside, where it had barely creeped, all over the outside where I guess there were probably microscopic tears from three days of non-stop, wild, crazy sex. EVERYWHERE it burned! It was awful!"

Not to mention, she shaves.
Say it with me gals: OUCH.

"So I start jumping around, and getting a bunch of toilet paper to wipe it off, but at that point it was dry 'cause you know that shit dries in seconds. And I'm dabbing - I had to keep telling myself, "Don't rub! Just dab! Gentle dabs!" And so I'm dabbing and I'm doing the thing where you cross your thighs as tightly as you possibly can and trying to muffle my moans of pain and biting the back of my hand and praying to GOD that no one comes in the restroom."

At this point the story came to a natural pause as my laughing inhibited all incoming auditory stimuli. This is one of those stories that I wish I could tell in first person, so that you might get the full effect of how absolutely hilarious it was. But then again, I'm actually pretty glad this is not my first-person story. So is my vagina. In fact, it reminds me of the old saying, "A smart man learns from his own mistakes; a wise man learns from the mistakes of others." If nothing else, this episode made Angie smarter, and me a lot wiser. Because I cannot honestly say that I wouldn't have tried the same thing in that situation. I'd like to think I'd have a bit of foresight, what with the old icy-hot experience, but then again, I might not. It had never occurred to me before I heard this story to not rub hand sanitizer on my vagina.

But now I know. Turns out it takes a solid ten minutes for the raging fire of a hand-sanitized vagina to wane.

Just FYI.

Welcome 2010!

Happy New Year! This year I resolve to blog more. Amongst a growing list of resolutions. And while there are a seemingly infinite number of issues and stories I could report on at the moment (really, things are happening for me lately, it's kind of wild), I'd like to begin 2010 with the first really good story of the year. And for my grand entrance back here at saltychelle, I can stay true to the strange oddities and encounters in life that have been the lifeblood of the stories that made this blog famous.

Or, well, not. But those four loyal readers knowwhahmsayn.

Ok, so this story actually takes place on New Year's Eve, 2009. I'm feeling pretty excited - despite a looming sinus thing coming on - for the evening ahead. I get off work early, run a few errands, and am still home by 3:00. Get the dog out to the park, deal with some chores. A beautiful, sunny, productive day.

6:00-something rolls around which is about when I needed to start getting ready. I'm kinda loose about such things as time. But, I realized I had forgotten to get a couple of things for my much-anticipated New Year's Day slow-cooker meatballs. As I'm putting my shoes on to head to the store, my dear friend Nora calls me. I mentioned I'm leaving for the store. She also needs to get some things from the store. "Oh, well maybe I'll see you there," I say, pretending to be an interested potential suitor. "Maybe," she coyly plays back. We laugh, hang up.

I got held up when I had another phone call leaving the house. I figured she'd get there before me, and might even be gone by the time I got there. No big deal, though I do have a good time when I shop with Nora. (Yes, we tend to shop together a lot for some reason.) But, I digress. I am happy to see that she is still there when I enter the parking lot. There's no mistaking the giant silver skull on the rear window of her Xterra. As I walk in the sliding doors, I see her right there at the U-Scan, her back to me.

Ok, so probably an aside worth mentioning here - in addition to the Skullterra (as it's known to it's friends and admirers), there are a LOT of things about Nora that are unmistakable. She is a beautiful, buxom, 6" tall former child-model. She has a veritable mane of luxurious, currently jet-black, impeccably coiffed, long, wavy hair. She dresses kind of, shall we say, noticeably. Other words that come to mind are: loud, sexy, outlandish, Victorian, and always playing up her best feature - curves. She is pretty extraordinary. And wonderful.

So there she is, scanning her box of crackers (which she told me she had forgotten for her NYE party), in her black, mid-calf, heeled boots which I recognize, bright magenta tights, and super-cute, very Victorian, lacy black skirt. She is also wearing her workday standard black, wool, double-breasted coat. I realize this is way more detail than is necessary, but the point - if it wasn't obvious - is that this woman is UNMISTAKABLE. And I spend a LOT of time with her. I recognized her boots and coat. The other stuff maybe I haven't seen before, but this is a woman with a Narnia-wardrobe for a closet; she is constantly bringing out something I've never seen before that she has either made, improved upon, found for $5 at a resale shop, or maybe just forgot she ever owned. Yes, I don't remember seeing those tights or skirt before, but they were exactly the style she whips out at any given moment.

In my NYE excitement, I decide to give her a little surprise. I do this to her a lot. It's fun for me. She's relatively easy to startle and/or frighten, and she's pretty good-natured about it when I fuck with her. So, I quietly walk up behind her and she never spots me, even in her peripheral vision. My chest is nearly touching her back, I get on my tiptoes, place my hand on her left shoulder while simultaneously putting my mouth up to her left ear and saying, louder than a whisper and quite authoritatively, in my deepest, throatiest man-voice, "Ah, excuse me, Ma'am."

She whips her face around so that our noses are about an inch apart and gasps so loudly it kind of finishes with a scream. At which point I emit an equally loud gasp-scream as I realize this woman is NOT Nora.

Yep.

"Oh my god!" I kind of yell.
"Oh my god, I am SO sorry!"

Luckily, Nora's doppelganger is the kind of woman who can laugh about such situations. And she did. Hysterically, actually. We laughed so hard the tears came, and we each had a palm on the other's arm, supporting one another and connecting in this very weird, hilarious moment. Through the gasping laughter I attempted to explain that she looks just like my best friend, whom I was trying to scare.

"For fun," I sputter, in explanation.

She laughs even harder, which I then do too.

"You're really GOOD at it!" she says.

And as I stood there laughing with this cool lady who looks just like my best friend, I felt oddly proud of myself.

And that maybe it's going to be a great new decade.

Ode to Summer

Goodbye Summer. Though I'm sad to see you go, I really am ready to slide down some snowy mountains once again. So much I could have reported this summer and never got around to it, so I offer homage in the form of the photo montage of some of my favorite moments from the past few months.

MAY

Kelcey shakes her booty with multiple strangers at her (2nd) bachelorette party in St. Louis over Mother's Day weekend:

Elise's 11th Birthday Slumber Party, complete with 8 caffienated girls and much soda-spewing from noses. Super gross. Super fun:

JUNE

Mom, my brother Matt and niece Katherine come to visit. Mom entertains us all with her mad-hula-hooping skills in the front yard. We get some photo ops on top of the SLC Library, and later, we all head to Lagoon for my work's "Lagoon Night" party. Much fun was had until Katherine puked up her dinner in the middle of a big crowd of people.

Shortly after the visit from my fam, my best friend Molly came to visit me all the way from Brooklyn, to alleviate my loneliness once Elise left for the summer. Because we had each recently left our boyfriends and were nursing fresh wounds, her mother, who is wonderful, bankrolled a fantastic day and night at Snowbird for us, complete with lobster dinner and lovely bottle of wine at The Aerie, massages, and time spent on the rooftop pool. Where we laid sunbathing in bikinis and watching snowboarders carve out the last few bits of slush left on the mountain on the summer solstice.

JULY

Elise left to visit her dad in Colorado in mid-June, so I spent a good deal of the summer months playing single-gal, and trying to figure out what all of my single, child-less friends are talking about when they say they're "so busy..." It was incredibly lonely at first, but then I met this amazing woman named Karan at the dog park, who quickly became my newest, bestest friend.

Before meeting Karan, I spent a lot of time painting and decorating my new house. Picked this nice green and awesome and cheap IKEA curtains for the dining room. The big brown blog would be my dog, who spends hours staring out that window at the neighbor's cat, who sits in a window directly opposite.


Hiking up Millcreek with Karan and five dogs on a hot and sunny afternoon:


Free concerts at the Gallivan on Wednesday nights are still one of my favorite things about SLC. This year I skipped the Roots, but got to see Andrew Bird (pictured), De La Soul, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, and my personal favorite, Neko Case (also pictured, albeit a crappy photo from my cell phone). Plus, the shows I missed I was able to listen to from the comfort of my backyard...




And, because Salt Lake is THE home of the free concert, I was also able to see one my new favorite bands, Grace Potter & the Nocturnals, rock the canyon walls on a gorgeous evening up at Snowbird. For free. Oh yes.


Sunset over the western mountains of SLC, from an impromptu pool party my friend Richy took me to. Dogs played fetch in the pool, deliciousness cooked on the barbie, and I realized I wasn't lonely anymore.

AUGUST

August began with another trip home to St. Louis for my best friend Kelcey's wedding. Crazy fun whirlwind of a trip, wherein I got to see loads of people I miss like mad. Including Ariel, my best friend who lives in the UK, and Billy, sweet and silly Billy, one of my favorite friends in St. Louis.

Chelle & Billy reunion:


Elise and Ariel, gettin their Lou on at a Cardinal's baseball game:

At Kelcey & Matt's rehearsal dinner. Or, to be precise, at the cocktail party following the dinner. My bestest girlfriends in the entire world, my special tribe of women whose friendship has never waned in 15 years since we all met in high school. The handsome chap in the center is Matt, the groom.

And finally, Elise returns home after 8 weeks away and my life returns to normal. The minute we walked in the door from the airport she threw down her things and snuggled up with the dog, whom I'm pretty sure she missed more than me:

I Promise I Won't Punch You

Hello blog. Hello readers. [Echo...] What a lameass blogger I am! And I miss my blog. Funny, surreal, irritating, thought-provoking stuff is happening all the time (my neighbor alone provides enough material for a near-daily rant) that I want to report to you, my favorite four friends who come here to read my silly ramblings. And even more so recently, with the departure of my dear and funny friend Richy from my life - Richy, who listened to my rambling stories every day for the past few months, good man, and remembered them, and laughed even if they weren't all that funny and pretended to be interested even when they weren't all that interesting. So now I have nowhere to turn to ramble except for this little salty spot in the cyberuniverse. But despite working my ASS off here at the old jibby job, I can't seem to unbury myself from the constantly shifting (but never shrinking!) piles of work that surround me in my little cubicle of love, and STILL haven't gotten around to buying the wireless card to get the interweb at home. So the posts are few and far between these days, but bear with me - the future is WIIIIIDE open.



I don't even know what that means. Sorry. I heard a little Tom Petty on the classic-rock-radio in the copy room this morning and all day now I've been repeating lyrics in conversation as the songs roll through my brain. This is the danger of the copy room. You go in there to make one innocent copy and for three days you're singing Janie's Got a Gun without ever knowing what happened.



And then somehow you find that your life is so incredibly lame that you are taking a few minutes at work to write on your blog, and you're writing about work. Because you are trapped in a terrifying mirrored bubble where work looms omnipresent at all times, stretching into the vast horizon of your bleak, bleak future...



But that's depressing, huh?

What I really came here to write was the ONE interesting thing that happened to me this weekend. Yes, there was really only one noteworty moment in 48+ hours. Because Karan was on a kayak trip that nearly killed her and I don't have any other friends that I actually hang out with in this town. So this is a story about strangers. Go fucking figure.

Saturday I venture out to Lowe's for some paint for the kitchen, hinges for some doors, curtain brackets, etc. It was project weekend, because that's what I do when I have no life. This incredibly dorky, splotchy-faced, bright-eyed young fellow assisted me to the curtain bracket aisle and was really just overly sweet and helpful. When I go to checkout, his checkout line is the shortest, so I get in it. And promptly realize why no one was in that line, despite the two other open registers having lines spilling back into the power drill department. The man and woman in his line - she middle-aged and obese, he late-twenties and moderately attractive, both emanating an unmistakable white-trash aura, despite being clad and accessorized with all the trappings of middle-to-upper class American consumer culture. You know what I mean, yes? The hard-living types who have enough money to dress and purchase and live, superficially at least, like "the rest of us."

Ok, I officially feel like an asshole.

Except not that much, because THEY are the assholes of this story. Not quite mother-son, not quite romantic-duo, these two shared an intimacy, and apparently a fifth of whiskey or ten, that was PALPABLE in the checkout aisle at the home improvement warehouse. As I stand there assessing them, judging them, imagining the trajectories of their lives - for a good three to four minutes, mind you - I realize that all of their purchases have been rung and are in the bags, ready to go. All that remains is for them to PAY FOR THEM AND LEAVE. Which, I suspect due to the fact that they spent the morning, and perhaps the previous evening, drinking copious amounts of whiskey (the smell is the giveaway on this one), was exceedingly difficult for them to accomplish. She's rooting around in her purse for much too long looking for, I can only assume, her wallet. But no, she's actually looking for her phone.

The phone cannot pay for your PVC connectors honey. Get your fucking wallet out already.

This is what I want to say, but do not, because my mother raised me to be good and Catholic and demure and to hold all my rage inside and never ever ever ever let it out.

She pulls out the phone, opens it, looks through a few screens, says to her companion, "Did Tracy ever text you?" He shakes his head negatory. "That bitch needs to get on the horn already! I can't get anything done until she gets on the damn horn. GOD!" Then she starts to cackle. He's cackling. He's undoing and redoing his belt buckle for who the hell knows what reason. She pokes him in the arm, "Are you even listening to me? I don't even know why I ask, you never listen." They're both cracking up. Because apparently this is hilarious.

And the poor Lowe's guy just stands there, not having any idea what is going on or what, if anything, to do about it. He opts for my frequent favorite: the do-nothing-and-hope-things-don't-end-badly-option. He looks at me, I give a faint shrug and small smirk that says I feel for you buddy. And meanwhile the insanity rages on, unabated.

Suddenly, the lights come on.

"Hey, you better find your wallet in there so we can PAY for this stuff! Ha ha ha haaa!" He is not drunk enough that he cannot re-fasten his belt while doubled-over in laughter.

"Shit! I forgot what we were even doing! Haaaaa!!" She roots around in her purse.

And just when I think this little episode couldn't get any more entertaining - frankly I was not expecting much delight in my trip to Lowe's - the Universe, perhaps sensing my recent battle with a gripping personal malaise, offered up a little something to make my fucking day. And yes, I realize it may be a little sick that I take delight in these things, but I don't have a whole hell of a lot going on these days, so just give me this.

After another good minute of purse-rooting, she finds the wallet, and swipes the card. And swipes again. And swipes again. She is doing something wrong.

"Just swipe it one more time and if it doesn't go through I can type the number in," says geeky-sweet Lowe's guy. She goes to swipe. And the drunk guy PUNCHES the Lowe's guy! Right in the ribs that protect his fragile Lowe's-guy heart. And this was no sloppy-drunk-on-a-Saturday-morning little skin grazer. It was a full-on, BRUTAL hit that knocked Lowe's guy backwards at least a meter or more. I think it was probably meant to be playful (in the convoluted consciousness of drunk-man-on-a-Saturday-morning), but was executed with much more fervor than originally intended. If there ever was an original intention.

My mouth is hanging open, I'm sure. Lowe's guy's mouth is hanging open as he regains his posture and shakes it off. And drunk guy, pretty much immediately, says, "I'm sorry man. I don't even know why I did that! Ha!"

"Um-" Lowe's guy doesn't really know what to say. I mean, he's awkward enough to begin with, and shit like this just doesn't help.

"I have Tourette's."

"Oh-"

FUCK YOU!" Once again, executed with too much zeal, so now everyone in every aisle has whipped around to see. "Ha ha ha! No, not really man. I'm just kidding. Ha ha ha!"

At this point their transaction has been processed and Lowe's guy is handing them their bags of merch. Drunk Lady is laughing so hard she can't even really function, so Drunk Guy, who is still standing directly across the scanner from Lowe's guy, picks up the bags and yells, "FUCK YOU FUCKFACE!"

And as they walk toward the sliding doors, he turns back around to Lowe's Guy and says, "Gotcha!"

[Scene.]