Meet Me in St. Louie Louie!

Quickie post from the Lou as I procrastinate typing out my speech for this evening. I'm ridiculously nervous. And I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter, I've been best friends with Kelcey for 15 years, that I know her well enough to just give a speech off the cuff if I had to. But nothing seems to calm the beast that churns in my belly. It's not really about what I will say though, it's about the fact that I have to stand in front of all of those people and say anything at all. Blargh.

I did get some really great advice from Mr. Stinky, the Delta pilot who at the very last moment (after the flight attendants had begun their oxygen mask demonstration) bumbles onto the plane and declares "I'm next to that young lady right there." Great. I was so thrilled to be in the exit row and not have a seatmate (which I went online and switched myself into about 2 hours before the flight, to make sure I had a nice spot), until Sweaty McTootsalot needs a last minute ride to St. Louis. He is immediately spilling over onto my seat, commandeers the armrest as his own (why do large men do this? I'm sorry you're large, but why do you just assume you get the armrest??), and immediately begins chatting. "Doing a little writing eh?" In a voice and demeanor that is barely polite enough to get across the message that I have no desire to talk to this fellow, I say I'm writing a toast for my best friend's wedding. "Oh, really? I LOVE weddings! Just tell him to always leave the seat down and they'll be just fine! Heh heh heh!!!" Yeah, suuuuper classy dude, thanks so much. Oh my god, this guy was the closest I've come to loathing someone in a really long time. The minute they announced I could use my approved electronic devices, I shoved the ipod speakers into my ears and turned the volume all the way up. Which, of course, was not enough of a deterrent to keep him from occassionally poking me to ask how it was coming, or to ask if I wanted the light on, or if I'd like the air vent on, or to see if there was some other way he might annoy me further thank you very much. After I had shunned all of his advances, he finally fell asleep. Oh thank fucking God. I was delighted by this. Until it became very clear that he is a sleep-tooter. At which point I seriously considered calling the attendant and saying that I no longer felt comfortable with the responsibilities of the exit row and might I be moved somewhere else. Except there was nowhere else to go. Because if I moved away from Grody Gus, I would inevitably be in the midst of a thousand children, who occupied most of the rest of the seats on the flight.

Which brings me to my most recent idea - LDS Airways! Yes? Yes! The LDS church has enough members flying back and forth from missions, and enough members traveling around period, to support such a venture. They could offer discounted rates to their patrons, eliminate the coffees, teas, and alcohol (cost saving!), and it would be the kid-friendliest, and probably friendliest-period, airline ever! I really think they should get it going. Because on my last two flights out of Salt Lake there have been what should probably be an illegal number of chilren on board. I mean, if you want to have 9 children, do your thang. But when you're going somewhere for a visit, stick them in an Econo-van and drive! One woman and her mother-in-law cannot successfully deal with 9 children ages 3 mos. to 13 years on a 3 hour flight. And when you have multiple large families with oodles of tiny children on a SkyWest puddle jumper, it just makes for a miserable experience for everyone. So, someone with more clout than I should approach the LDS leadership with this idea - I'm pretty sure it's a win-win for everyone.

Ah, but flying always sucks so I should stop complaining. I had mani-pedi's with my best girlfriends in the world on Wednesday, and got to see my entire fam that night at my brother's house. The best part of the night: when my 8-year-0ld niece, Caroline, comes down into the kitchen in her too-short old cable-knit tights (whereby the crotch is halfway down her thighs), hot-pink soccer socks pulled up to her knees (over the tights), High School Musical t-shirt tucked into the tights, jumps into the room, flashes a peace sign and says "Yo!"